Don’t Do It: Dating A Guy With Children - The Frisky
So this brings me to my first point: If you date a man with children, you can I think it was much more than a coincidence that The Cop's ex was. In our case, my boyfriend's ex-wife is crazy and she's the one putting the kids in the middle, and manipulating every single legal angle she can. I have just started dating a guy who maintains a good relationship with his ex- wife. He's been divorced for 3 years. He has a 14 year old and a 4-year old.
Many of you may have found out the hard way that your new love had lousy boundaries with his ex. The ex dropped by, came into the home and maybe even had a key! There were texts, emails and phone calls on a constant basis.
Your new guy may be constantly complaining to you about his ex and before you know it, you are both caught up in the drama of continually talking about her latest antics. This is not a topic that you want to be the thing that binds you. Healthy boundaries must be established to preserve the privacy and sanity of you both as the new couple. This is not to suggest that friendship between exes isn't a good thing. It's great for them to get along but things have to change when another person enters the picture.
Boundaries must be created to prevent unwanted intrusions. Your guy must make it clear to his ex about how much communication is needed and to emphasize that it needs to be focused on the kids. Find out what his expectations are when it comes to your role with his children. It's not uncommon for divorced men, especially if they think their ex is a less-than-adequate mother, to want you to come in and fill a "mommy hole" for his children.
Men may not consciously realize this, but most divorced men I work with will admit to wanting their new partner to be a bit like Mother Teresa and Mary Poppins combined.
Your guy loves you, thinks your terrific, and may want you to sprinkle your magic fairy dust around and help him clean up any mess left over from his previous marriage and divorce. This is a big time set up! There is no such thing as a "bonus mom" unless the kids themselves decide to see you that way and the majority of them won't.
You would be wise to make it clear that you have no intentions of trying to buck nature blood is thicker than water and are more than willing to treat his children in kind and loving ways and support him in his role as a parent.
How to Cope if a Boyfriend With Kids Has a Relationship With His Ex
Find out how his children feel. Know that his children will most likely take a long time to accept you. Fantasies of "The Brady Brunch" and a "blended" family are attached to, despite the fact that neither one of these are realistic for most. It's not uncommon for children to love their father's girlfriend but as soon as Dad and girlfriend say, "I do", their feelings change drastically, often times confusing even them. Soon, couples come into my office saying, "We never knew it would be this hard.
Life as the "Other Mother": Dating a Man With a Crazy Ex and Kids
This number can be reduced by getting rid of unrealistic expectations and being prepared for the difficulties that will naturally present themselves. Those of us who specialize in working with stepfamilies advise a role more like an Aunt or an adult ally not a friend. The truth is a large number of young adult stepchildren who've had a stepmother for years report not feeling close to them. This isn't because the majority of stepmothers are evil; it's because children have strong loyalty binds to their Mothers.
Find out how you feel. Know that there will be grief for you too. Maybe you found his children adorable and lovable, but as time went on, they turned against you, resisted and even ignored you.
Women partnered with men who have children have a higher incidence of depression vs. It will take a thick skin on your part and support from your partner to endure these kind of natural resistances. If you marry, you won't be the "first" wife. If you have children, they won't be his "first" children. These are things many don't think about when dating and getting serious with a guy who has kids. Women will berate themselves for these natural feelings of sadness and even jealousy. These are legitimate losses to grieve.
Also keep in mind, he will still have many "firsts" with you. Does all this mean you shouldn't date, live with or marry a guy with kids?
The curse part comes into play when we want to try and make it to events at the kids' school and we just can't do that often.
Or, when the ex decides to ignore my boyfriend's calls to the kids, and the kids alone, for days on end even though in the parenting time order he's allowed to call and should be able to speak to them every day.
We don't get to see the kids very much, and thanks to their manipulative mother, we don't get to talk to them every day either.
- Dating a Guy With Kids? 6 Things You Must Find Out!
Now, some readers might be looking at this thinking, "Well, clearly he shouldn't have moved away from his kids, and if the mother thinks it's necessary to block contact, then she probably has good reason. I lived in California, he lived in Arizona. I was planning to try and move to Arizona 6 months later, but after doing some job hunting, my boyfriend realized that there were more opportunities for him in his field in California. In order to pay child support, he needs a good job.
In order to make sure the kids are taken care of, he needs to pay child support. He's NEVER missed a child support payment, and has even on a couple of occasions given his crazy, financially-irresponsible ex-wife monetary gifts when she expressed that money was really tight and that she needed extra cash for groceries and bills.
Living miles away from the kids is not ideal at all, but at the time my boyfriend and his ex were setting forth a new parenting plan so that visits with the kids would be spelled out, she even said that she would consider looking for work in California within the next year. She works for an online university. She can find a job just about anywhere. That all sounded great! Again, not ideal, but certainly manageable. Then, the crazy ex got a boyfriend and everything went down the tubes.
The only thing we can suppose is that the crazy ex, let's start referring to her as Stella, decided that she wanted her new boyfriend to be more of a father figure for the kids than my boyfriend, who biologically helped make the kids and who had looked after each of them since the days they were born.
We also suppose that the new boyfriend, let's call him Skeezer, decided he wanted to have a more "man of the house" role and with the ex-husband so much in the picture, Skeezer might have decided that that relationship needed to change. All of a sudden the phone conversations with the kids started being cut back to 4 a week, on average, instead of nightly.
All of a sudden my boyfriend was being blamed for everything that went wrong at the house from the utilities being turned off remember, Stella is very, very, very bad with money to the car being "reposed" which we think meant repossessed. My boyfriend has never done anything to warrant this kind of treatment, yet Stella has decided to embark on a campaign to get him out of the picture.
There are many, many crazy exes out there like this. Most of them are women. Many of them actually do suffer from psychological disorders, often undiagnosed. It's conflict and frustration on a daily basis, and in the last 10 months, my boyfriend has had to apply to the courts to intervene on four occasions, none of which have really gotten Stella to stop putting the kids in the middle of the drama or actually let my boyfriend have an easy time getting to talk to the kids or see them at his court-ordered parenting times.
So, where do I fit into all of this? I'm my boyfriend's support. I'm the cheerleader, the encouragement, and I try to be the solace. I'm also the kids' "other mother" when they're with us. I love the kids well, they are pretty great, even despite their mother's crazinessI help feed them, clothe them, make sure they're bathing, I kiss owies, I give time-outs for bad attitudes.
Well, it's a relationship. We make each other laugh, we support each other, we love each other. We have long-term plans. But in the meantime, every day is a challenge with battling his crazy ex, and also a challenge to not let that war take over the rest of our lives. I've got lots, and lots, and lots of stories.